Old journal entries: as I was going through my ‘journal’ earlier, I came across this entry:
“Oh death, why hath not thou come for me?”
‘Where on earth did that come from?’ I thought. Then I remembered. That was at a time, a few days back, when I was going through some spiritual pain. Still, I felt heartily ashamed for ever writing such an entry. Immediately after reading that, I added under it:
“When I penned those words, I was in a state of spiritual discontent, vividly seeing my sin. Oh, wretched soul, when will that day be when you can look away from what you have done to your miserable self, and see what Christ has done for you?”
And later under that:
“Let my spirit rise against me, if it dare, and call me sinner. Then will I say ‘be quiet. I am, not on earth, but before the Father, perfect, not because of anything I have done, but because of my precious saviour.’ ”
Oh, how the sight of my sin brings me pain! May God have mercy on me.
A few prayers from Tozer:
Oh God, I have tasted thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me hungry for more. I am painfully conscious of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want thee; I long to be filled with longing, I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me they Glory, I pray thee, that I may know thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “ Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland, where I have wandered so long. In Jesus name. Amen.
Father, I want to know Thee, but my cowardly heart fears to give up it’s toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayst enter in and dwell without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus name. Amen.