My May 21st checklist:
Pay my Left-Behind insurance.
Get all the Dispensationalists I know to sign their cars over to me.
Watch as the Android’s market share skyrocket’s as every iPhone is raptured.
Only wear polyester, since the 100% cotton stuff is getting sucked up too.
Watch people slam against the ceiling, the car roof, and other objects that exist between them and the sky.
Buy stock in Israel’s highly productive sand market.
Hang out with Rob Bell and the Democrats, since every other American will be raptured.
Don’t invest in real estate.
Watch as all those endless copies of Left Behind and Twilight leave the shelves of thrift stores across America.
Watch gullible Non-Dispensationalists Presbetyrians being bombed by the antichrist.
And of course, rearrange the flags in front of empty churches (traditionally American Flag above Christian flag): place characteristic white flag over both.
In a unrented penthouse in New York, three unlikely individuals have convened to exchange thoughts with one another.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” (the first)
“Except for stinking dolphins.” (said the second)
“Yeah, Dolphins!” (reiterated the third) “They think they’re so cute. ‘look at me. I’m a flippery little dolphin.'”
“Okay, I’ll start the testimonies: hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (said the first, angrily)
“Helloooo Inigo.” (said the third, monotonously)
“No, Inigo, I am your father! And I’ve got news for you: your going to finish school!” (said the second)
“Hello, MY name is Iningo Flamingo. You killed my flower. Prepare to die.” (said the first, passionately)
“Everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives.” (observed the third)
“We all have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!” (said the frightened second)
“Happiness awaits at the Stuff-Mart.” (the first demanded)
“No, happiness lies in Terra: land is The-Only-Thing-Worth-Living-4, worth dying for, because it’s the only thing that lasts.” (argued the deranged second)
“And Freedom. What would you do without freedom?” (shouted the scottish accented third)
“Prepare to die I said!” (demanded the first)
“I regret that I have on one life and six fingers to give for killing your flower.” (said the second, boldly)
“Run, father, run.” (said the third, amusedly)
“Regarded. Farewell Luke Montoya. You will always remember this as the day you almost captured captain-Kill Flower! Years from now, as you’re lying in your bed, you long for just one chance, To come back, and strike a blow for your flower! Step aside.” (said the second)
“You cannot pass! You will die!” (said the first, frustrated at all the unforeseen plot twists in his revenge scheme)
“To die, to sleep, perchance, to dream.” (hummed the third, thoroughly satisfied at being a neutral party)
“I had a dream…once.” (said the first)